he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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