What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
there is another microwave in the elevator.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
