nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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