you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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