I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
false alarm, still single
Randomize
