I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
