3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
