There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The best revenge is premature balding
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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