Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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