I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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