I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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