somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
