I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
