mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
