My liver just broke up with me...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
