who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
