Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
