Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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