so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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