i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
