Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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