I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
