My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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