is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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