So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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