you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
