According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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