We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Someone signed my nipple.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
