we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
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