I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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