you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
