On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
