I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
as a side note pls kill me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
