Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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