Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
