No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
