What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
