3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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