i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
