I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
