i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
