Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
