The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
