Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
