Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
