I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
