I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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