So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
