apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
