well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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